i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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