what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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