Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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