Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
