Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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