Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
