I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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