Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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