So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
