Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
