I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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