He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
