Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
