You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
