Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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