I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
