I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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