Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
