i need an iv and a liver transplant
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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