and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
