As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
