I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
