Someone shit on the floor
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
