the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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