can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
two words: eviction party
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
