Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
