You just made me feel so damn special
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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