Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
