My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
