I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
