You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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