what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I didn't notice because vodka
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
