My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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