So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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