I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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