i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
