I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
