They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
