i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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