I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
