Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I have fence marks all over my body
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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