I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
