How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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