I need to stop coming to work sober
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
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what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
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I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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