She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
