im having a threesome with these popsicles
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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