i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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