i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
