omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
