Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
