do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
