Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Randomize
