And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
