My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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