I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
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