Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
