I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
